Ruined
Is it possible to love and be loved so much, that you never feel that way again? That you can never trust yourself with your heart again? To have loved with such a fierceness that you are terrified of considering it again.
Do you avoid love? Do you just play it safe the next time around? I’m only 33 – Do I really avoid it forever? I am more afraid terrified of loving someone with such intensity than I am jumping out of an airplane. Rebecca and I were talking this morning, and she asked I want. I said that is what I want: Passion tempered with caution. She said you can’t temper passion. Can you? Is it as good?
I think crazy passion is overrated. I have been burned by a flame too hot. I want a man who comes home to me, likes to lay in bed while I do the crossword, lets me feed him sweets, enjoys a glass of wine, loves his family and mine, and honors committment. Everything else is up for negotiation. No relationship is easy, they take work, that is why they are worth the reward. I want to be with someone who is committed to working it out with me.
I want to not be so afraid of my past, that I can’t jump into my future. I want to be loved the way I love- completely and with vibrancy. I want to quit living my life in fear or with sadness.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have you heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when your was broken. You will fight with your best friend. You blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you will eventually loose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. Send love and light to those you miss.
Don’t be a victim to those that have hurt you, live your best life. Love with all you have.
Charming Girl, Charmed Life. 
Amazing.
This is, to date, the most beautiful piece you’ve written. You are not ruined. You may be a little stained, a little cracked, but not ruined. You are far too smart to let him have that much power over you. It’s hard. It sucks. There’s now two ways around that. It’s terrifying to think of opening yourself up to someone again. To make yourself vulnerable. You don’t have to. You can protect your heart forever and live a perfectly normal, even happy life. But you will always know what you’re missing. You’ve had a taste of it. You know what it feels like to be consumed by passion.
The evil you know is never as scary as the evil you don’t know. But that’s the thing about love. You either have to take the leap and be willing to try or sit on the sidelines and watch. I know you. You’re not a sideline watching kinda gal. I fully believe that one day you’ll be ready to take that leap again. It will take time, but that’s ok. No one is saying you have to jump out of the plain right.this.second. I fully believe that at some point you will decide that you’re ready to jump out of that plane again. I believe that this experience has taught you lessons you haven’t even realized yet. You’ll take those lessons and you’ll process them and, when you’re ready, you’ll find the right person and the passion will follow.
I definitely think it’s very, very difficult to trust and love. But it’s totally worth it.
thanks, K. I know the payoff is worth it. Just a matter of forcing myself back in the world. My misery has become quite comforting these past months.
I love you girl! I needed to hear that myself…so thank you for posting it. I don’t think I could have read a single thing more prevelant to my life than what you posted in this blog! BTW- I LOVE CAKE TOO! I splurged and had a bit of my girlfriends wedding cake at the reception…carrot cake, my favorite and my sugar didn’t kill me…I didn’t get sick and it was yummy! Thanks for being you Lisa, you are an amazing person and I am glad you are my friend!
Lora – I am so glad you are my friend… and that you splurged on the cake! Life is too short. I am so happy my words could help… LOVE often, LOVE Harder.