Bikini.

18301355_10156267366379498_1626942420656212424_nThis is me.  This weekend.  In all off my Michelin Man roll fatness -wearing a bikini.  In public.  Allowing it to be photographed.

Who the hell is this girl – and what did you do with the real Lisa?

To know me, is to know that I love some Lisa.  I am a very cute girl with great hair that loves to look in the mirror.  I do not think I am unattractive because I am fat.  I love that my body is soft and comfortable.  I how it feels.  I love myself in spite of my size, not because of it.

I went to a size acceptance bash this weekend.  It was 4 days of fun, music and drinking with like minded people.  In the past I have always found myself uncomfortable in these situations.  Sometimes because I don’t know many people.  I also think part of  it is many of these people celebrate what I consider my fatal flaw.   I don’t let my weight stop me from doing anything I want.  I also don’t let it stop me from eating creme brulee for dinner.

But, if I could flip a light switch and change it – I’d be a solid – no rolls – size 10.

So although I embrace my size, I do not celebrate it.  I also do not typically date or have sex with people who celebrate size.  I know, a big girl who dates guys who like skinny girls.  I am aware I set myself up for heartache.

As preparations began, the what bathing suits will I wear came up.  I have all the fat girl essentials:  swim dress, swim shorts, tankini and the high waisted bikini that shows 1/2 inch of white belly.

After a couple of encouraging conversations, I decide I am going to wear an honest to goodness flabby belly exposing bikini.

Let me start this by saying:  this is not for everyone.  Wear what makes you happy.

It took me till the fourth day to get up the nerve.   I squeezed into it.  I put on a cover-up and a pair of lace pants.  I sat in my chair with 150 of my new closest friends and sweated because I was still wearing pants and a cover up and this is Florida.

I panic – what if they see how fat I am?  Shocker right?  Its hot, I want to get in the pool.  Should I go up and change?  This crown and pineapple is wonderful.  This is harder than climbing up a waterfall.  I am about to have a complete meltdown.

A new friend comes to say Hello.  He kisses me on the cheek.  I am calmer.  I can do this.  This little bit of reassurance has empowered me again.  Off goes the pants, Off goes the coverup.  The world didn’t end.  No one stared.  I didn’t sink into a whole in the ground.

Like a grown as woman, I got in the pool and enjoyed myself.  I took pictures and shots and had fun with my friends and I didn’t worry about what I was wearing.  I felt cute.

With a little encouragement from a couple people, I did something I never thought I would do.

And I may even do it again.

 

 

 

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~ by cutefatgirl on May 10, 2017.

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