June 21, 2015

Its odd. After the roughest emotional day I have had in years, I find myself here.  It’s the place I take all my hurt.  So I am here eating pumpkin pie, spilling my guts.

My granny would have been 98 today.  Statistically not many people live to be 98, but I thought she would live forever.  She was such a dominant part of my first 15 years.  My granny was funny and mean.  She took no bullshit, she never held her tongue.  She loved hard and taught me that if you can do something for someone you should.  I carry that with me to this day.  My granny raised 9 kids, but by the time us grandkids came around she was soft.  I am not a funny person, my but granny thought I was.  I would prank her all the time.  I would bring her ice in her eyeglasses instead of a glass. She had the softest hair and I will never forget the smell of getting ready for church on Sunday morning.  I miss her everyday.

I was raised my Mom and my Granny, with the help of my aunt and cousin. It is because of these women, that I am the woman I am today.

Today is Father’s Day and my Granny’s Birthday.  It’s like a double whammy in terms of emotional blows.  I lost my Granny and my father within six months of each other.  This is the defining point in my life.  Their deaths, along with some other things that began that year, marked a place where life changed for me.

My dad took his life.  A life plagued with alcohol problems. I don’t remember having any kind of real relationship with him after he and my mom split when I was four.  There were conversations, broken promises to call, a few brief visits over the 12 years before he died.  My mom worked a lot when I was little, I was close to my dad.  I spent a lot of years being unjustly mad at her for him going.  I missed my dad, my whole life – even today I miss him.  I don’t even know the kind of person he was.  My mom has told me everything she knows about him. Unlike my grandma, I don’t remember how my dad smelled or what his voice sounded like.  I was so little and it was so long ago.  Sadly, at his funeral I wouldn’t have recognized him.  I hadn’t seen him in five years – and in my head even today – he looks like the picture I have of him and me and my mom.

I do have some things I would like to say to him though.  I am sorry for the things I said to you before you died.  I was an angry teenager and I wanted your attention.  I wanted you to be my dad.  I wanted you to do something you said.  I hate that those were the last words I ever said to you, and that you killed yourself so shortly after.   Even today, I rarely loose my temper and say anything mean because you never know if it is the last thing you will say to someone.

I am also sorry that from a very young age that you taught me to chase you, that I wasn’t enough just by being your daughter.   Your only job was to love me and you didn’t do it.  They say daughters look for their father’s in their partners – and I am no exception.  Our relationship taught me how to be in relationships. I often find myself exhausted and just hoping he wants me the way I want him.

I am sorry that we never got a chance to fix things.   I am sorry that you were so sad.

I went to my Granny’s grave yesterday. I talked about all these things with her, like she was just going to give me answers.  If there was anything she ever taught me though – it was to love harder, and give it to God.

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~ by cutefatgirl on June 22, 2015.

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