The key.

When Ryan and I first got serious, he gave me a key to his house.  I loved it.  It was pink and girly and had a little tiara on it.  I thought it was so sweet that it was something I liked, that was so symbolic of me and my personality.  In exchange, I gave him the key to my heart.

It has almost been eleven months to the day we broke up.    We have been broken up longer than we were together.  Finally today, I woke up and I realized something epic.  Even thought R didn’t give me back the key to my heart they way I returned my house key, I changed the locks.  Ryan can’t get me back.

There  is a Warren Barfield song “Love is not a fight”,  they lyrics say:  Love is not a place to come and go as we please, It’s a house we enter in then commit to never leave.  So lock the door behind you throw away the key. We’ll work it out together, Let it bring us to our knees.    I remember when first hearing that song , that I wanted that.   Ryan wasn’t willing to lock the door.  It ended.

When we split up, I waited for R.  When she moved in, I waited.  When he got married, I waited.  This is the point where you can call me stupid.  If a man really loves you the way he says, he doesn’t marry another woman.    It wasn’t one of my prouder moments.

I heard through a mutual friend that R was in town this weekend.  Forever I had this fantasy about him just showing up in my life.  Flowers and grand gestures, coming back to claim his lost love.  I realized I didn’t want that.  I didn’t want his charm or grandiose.  That’s when I figured it out:  I am better.  I am better emotionally, and better for loving him.  I learned the beauty of unselfish love.

It was and always will be a great love story, but it’s the end of our love song.  R and the boys will always have a place in my heart, that spot you keep things you cherish, but it’s  time to open up my heart to different things now.

I guess what everyone said was right.  You can’t die from a broken heart.  I am still here, standing strong and looking pretty.  I wish R & J the best, I hope they love each other the way I loved him.  I hope the boys blossom in their new family.

Peace is a wonderful thing, and I finally have some.  I have harnessed my own power, gone through a battle and emerged victorious.  I will live to fight another day if I can ever harness the courage to do so.  I am done crying for what will never be again.  I will remember the best, and throw the rest down the river of forgetfulness.  The scars I carry remind me love is worth it.

So, as I begin this next stage in my life I seek wisdom, faith,  strength and courage.  When I started this blog I named it “such a pretty girl”.  At the time I was battered and bruised and thought that was all I had going for me, the fact that I was pretty.  Life is different now, it’s time for change.


~ by cutefatgirl on July 21, 2011.

2 Responses to “The key.”

  1. beautifully written. hard lesson to learn, sorry you had to learn it this way. the next man will reap the benefits!

  2. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. Xoxo…

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