What might have been.

I am going to a funeral today.  It is for the father of someone I love dearly.  I am going to support her.  Of course, that got me thinking of my own father.  Those feelings, however dormant, are still there.  Before I know it, I am flooded by emotion.

I will never forget that day ever.   When I got off  the school bus, my mom was waiting.  It was my 16th birthday, but that is not a great reason for my mom to leave work early.  When we got home, she told me my dad had killed himself.

I was angry, shocked and in disbelief all at that same time.  This couldn’t be true.  We had just had a horrible argument five days ago.  We needed time to make up, he needed time to learn to be a dad.

The funeral passed in a blur.  Family I didn’t know saying “That’s your daddy” or “Your daddy loved you”.  I looked in the coffin at a man I didn’t know.  I remember they played a song,  “1000 miles from nowhere” – and that is where it felt like I was.

I always thought we would have time – time to get it right.   Time for him to want to be our dad.  Then suddenly there was no more time.

My dad has been dead more years now than I knew him alive.  I never really knew him alive.  I know bits and pieces of what I have heard through the years.  My memories are blurry, and tainted by anger.  I have a picture of me, him and my mom hanging in my living room…to remind life is short and you don’t always have tomorrow.

I have long since forgiven Gary.  I am sad that he missed out on having Me and Rebecca.   I try really hard to salvage a good memory, and there just isn’t one in my heart.  Only many disappointments that ended in heartbreak.

My message is simple.  If it’s important to fix it some day…fix it today.


~ by cutefatgirl on May 17, 2011.

2 Responses to “What might have been.”

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. It makes me think of my best friend’s boys and what they went/are going through. She lost her husband, their father, about a year ago.

  2. You won the Thirty-One Gifts giveaway!! Please e-mail me at Princess543@yahoo.com with your address and I’ll pass it on to Jennifer!

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