The New Daddy.

I have daddy issues… huge daddy issues that have haunted me my whole life.   About a year and a half ago, I kind of got my man/daddy issues in check.  I had moved past them.   I took a chance with R, and it didn’t work.  All the sudden all those insecurities came rushing back.  I felt paralyzed by them.  How do I move past them? 

We have a Dad now.  Not a real dad, but the closest I have ever  known to one.  Jim had taken to me and Rebecca right away. He loves my mom and acts like a dad.   He cooks breakfasts, drives us places and calls us when we don’t come straight home from work.  It’s kind of  a nice feeling to be one of his girls. 

When J and I first started talking, I didn’t take anything he said seriously.  He was just another man with another line.  He’s tell me what I wanted to hear and when I let my defenses down, he would leave me.   I was still madly in love with R and not ready to move past him.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him, I could never see happiness without him.   I didn’t want to be alive without sharing it with him and the boys. 

Oddly enough, it was an email from R that made me realize I have to move on.  I held out for reconciliation for a long time, but it was actually that email with him telling me he had been over me a long, long time ago that woke me up.  So I had the conversation with J last night.  You know the one, where you put all your issues out there.  How you love men, but don’t trust them.  How you are afraid of them.  You don’t want to be alone, but your too terrified.  You hate your dad because he killed himself on your 16th birthday. 

He listens.  He listens to me  cry.  He has been listening to  me cry for a week now.  It’s been a rough week.  He doesn’t scare away.  I wonder why he is still hanging out. I am broken.  Then he said the sweetest thing I ever heard.  He said “That’s why you got me, I am the new Daddy.  It’s my job to take care of you and never leave you.”    It’s the sweetest thing that these ears have ever heard.  For right now, I have decided to believe it’s not bullshit.  I have decided to give this a shot.

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~ by cutefatgirl on November 14, 2010.

3 Responses to “The New Daddy.”

  1. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you can find a way to trust and love again.

  2. Kristina – I am working on it. Than you!

  3. Wow. Always trust your heart and instincts on people too.

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