My biological clock ticks loudly.

 I am 33 with no children.  When I first met J and I told him that, he said he could hear my biological clock ticking across the bar.  He said that was one of the first things he knew about me, that I wanted a baby.  I had this conversation with a stranger within minutes of meeting him.  While Single.  At a Bar.   I have always wanted to be a mother.  I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t consumed with baby names and birth styles, but I wanted it to be right.  The right dad, the right place in my life. 

Fertility is not on my side. Ten years ago, not knowing I was in the middle of a tubal pregnancy, I got on an airplane to go to a job in NYC.  My tube burst while in mid-flight.  I passed out on the plane.  I can remember hearing the paramedic say we can’t find her blood pressure.   By the time we landed, I got to a hospital and they figured out what was wrong with me we were just glad I was alive.  I had been bleeding internally for hours and the only thing the could do is take the tube.  I was grateful it wasn’t a hysterectomy.  Following another miscarriage, the one good tube I have isn’t really so good.  There is scarring and blockage.  Let’s add to that my advanced age and weight – and it’ doesn’t look good for me. 

Does that make me stop wanting it?  No.  I was at Barron and Holly’s the other day, and it was ticking louder than my voice.  They have five kids (two under two), and I love to go for hours and play with the babies.  I want this.  I deserve this.  I have so much love.  I can’t give it up, the thought thatI was meant to be a mother.

One of the hardest parts of my breakup with Ryan, was having the boys ripped out of my life.   I still feel like they were stolen from me.  I love those kids, still think of them as mine.  My sister told me they were young, and they would forget me long before I forget them.  That is true I will never forget them.  With the holidays coming up, I am upset at all the things I won’t get to share with them.  I can’t even eat a mandarin orange.  I still have conversations with them in my head and remember their sweet voices.  I wonder how they are getting along, keeping up with their chores and if they are brushing their teeth for two whole minutes.  I wonder if they still love me as much as I love them.

My time with the boys has only given strength to my clock.  I did it for a while, in tough circumstances, and I was decent at it.   It just doesn’t seem fair that I can’t have a baby of my very own.  One that no one will take from me.  I’m not a stupid girl, I know science is not on my side when it comes to having a baby.  Hope dies last though.  I’m still holding out that one day my time will come.  Until then I have many memories of time spent with sweet boys to carry me though.


~ by cutefatgirl on October 29, 2010.

5 Responses to “My biological clock ticks loudly.”

  1. I have uterus issues. I think a lot of women actually have fertility issues. But at 32, I thought my clock would be ticking more strongly than it does. It ticks, but not like I thought it would.

  2. Thank god you have a muffler on yours. Mine is driving me insane.

  3. I was in the same boat as you. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a mother. I met my husband when I was 21 (he is 25 years older than me). He had 2 boys from his first marriage and had a vasectomy in 1980. He knew I wanted children. We talked about options for years. I would go to bed at night crying. The pain of not being a mother was at times unbearable. My story has a happy ending, but there was a time when I was separated from my husband that I was prepared to just get pregnant and do it on my own. I am not a patient person 😉 If you need to talk, call me (# is on FB).
    When I was 29 we did a procedure that got me pregnant, First time. It was called MESA. 80% success rate in most couples. A reversal was less than 10%. My Dad died 2 days before Morgan was born. At least he died knowing she was coming. I wish I could give you a big hug. I was overweight (still am), but I was lucky that I haven’t had issues with my reproductive system. I want more children, to give her a sibling, but I almost bled to death having her. So, I count my blessings. I have found that I am a lot more of a push-over with her, knowing how long I waited to have her, and I have been lectured about better discipline, etc. But you know what? She’s mine. I love her. I get stressed and it’s not all lovey-lovey all the time..but damn, it’s still Heaven.

  4. Catherine… Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so glad you got your little bit of Heaven, and will call soon.

  5. my clock is ticking as well. i’m 33 and my bf is 7 years younger and in no hurry. I fear that when we do try-it will be too late.

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