looking back …

One year ago today, I was counting the minutes until R arrived.  I was so excited.  I remember our first kiss, the first words he spoke.  The way he made me feel about myself.

So much has changed in this year.  It has in many, many ways been the best time of my life, and the worst. Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?  I don’t know. 

I gave Ryan and the boys a piece of me, and I didn’t get it back.  It is still with them. I am in pieces, broken.  I keep going because I loved them.   Today when I woke up, I was determined this would be a good day.  I listened to “Getting Stronger Everyday”, I was sure I could control this day.  That is not working for me so well.  Tears have been welling all day, threatening to cry.  I am crying for what I lost.  I am crying for who I was, what I believed our relationship to be.  Was the most honest, real life relationship of my life real?

I know that I have so much to be grateful for.  I don’t know what stage of grief anger is, but I am in it full blast right now.  I am mad.  I’m giving myself today.   I deserve it.  I am going to go out tonight, get pretty and get drunk.   After twenty-seven blue moons, I will probably have major regret belly.  I will miss my boys like crazy. 

Love never dies.  I can’t forget them all or not love them.

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~ by cutefatgirl on October 15, 2010.

2 Responses to “looking back …”

  1. Sorry girl…not sure getting drunk will help for long…but I am sure 100% that it is normal to cry…and be mad, be very mad. You are human! Take those feelings, own them and make your day your own…do something crazy! Remember you are alive. Those boys wont forget you and Ryan will compare any women he meets to you…for the rest of his life. You will be the thing he regrets losing…I know that for a fact! Pick your chin up, use those emotions and sieze your day!!!! Love you sweetie! I am sorry this has to be so hard…I wish it could be made a little less painful. Don’t give up!

  2. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. I’ve been reading some past posts. Sounds like things have been rough recently!

    I also started WW about 8 months ago. I feel like I haven’t been following the program like I should. I’ve lost some weight, but not nearly what I should. Time for me to get back on the wagon too!

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