525,600 minutes

God send me an angel
From the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
‘Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

A year ago today, Ryan and I talked on the phone for hours.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  For me, things got better and better.  It’s been such a big year –  I met the loves of my life (the boys), I got engaged, I moved.  The thing about continually rising to a higher and higher point,  when the rug is pulled out from under you, you fall hard. 23 days ago I fell so hard I am still broken.  I don’t know how to fix me.  I cry all the time.  My family doesn’t know what to say or not say to me, because you never know what’s going to set me off.  Sometimes  I am just in a bad mood, because in my dreams he is still with me.  So vividly, I can feel him.  Some days I get an email from the Pokemon club for big one and I can’t get out of bed.  Usually it’s something as stupid as fixing myself something to eat the little one loves.  I am stuck.  I am hurt.   How does the best year of my life so rapidly turn into the worst.  How am I still so desperate for him? 

I’m grateful that I experienced the past year, but I am not at the point where I am glad it happened.  In loving the three of them, I learned a lot about myself.  I learned how much capacity for love is in my heart.  I learned how to trust.  I met amazing people, that still stand my and support me – even when I am bitching all the time. 

Am I better having loved him? certainly.  Will I ever be the same again? that I am not so sure of.

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~ by cutefatgirl on October 2, 2010.

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