holding pattern

Right now my life is in a holding pattern.  I have always set a goal to find my bliss everyday, and I just can’t do it.  It’s like I can’t be happy with my family.   Family for me has always been my sister, my cousin and my mom.  If I spoke about family it was them.  I have to say since moving back, with the addition of Daddy Jim, that family is stronger than ever.  It’s the family I wanted as a kid.  We all go places together and Daddy Jim drives.  If Rebecca is wearing something low-cut, he gives here the look. And he calls us the girls.   Him and my mom do stuff around the house together and steal kisses.  It’s really very sweet.  I just can’t appreciate it.

Sometime ago, I formed a new family.  We had our own things and routines.  We had our own friends and ways we spent Sundays.  I miss cooking dinner with Nonni on Sundays, Saturday afternoons with the Beams and washing dishes with Ryan.  We were a team, and I don’t know function without my other half.  I don’t fit with my old family anymore, because my heart is always thinking of my family that I am not a part of anymore.  Georgia was perfect for me.  Absolute bliss and I’m not looking back with rose-colored glasses. We were broke, I was homesick and there was alot of stress.  Though when I thought I couldn’t hold on any longer: R would send me the sweetest message, or little one would fall asleep in my lap, big one would memorize a bible verse, Denise would invite me to lunch or Nonni would pick up my favorite ice cream.  Then everything was worth it.

I’m stuck in this holding pattern.  I sleep a lot, because my dreams are so much better than my reality.  I feel ungrateful because everyone around me is so nice to me… and I don’t want them – how terrible is that?

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~ by cutefatgirl on September 27, 2010.

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