Issues:  I have enough of them to start a magazine.  I am terrified of being abandoned, classic co-dependant, and it’s really hard for me to trust any man.  About a year and a half ago, for the first time in my life I decided I was no longer going to be a victim to my past.  I learned to turn my life over to God, to trust in him.  Now I find myself struggling every day not to lose the ground I have worked so hard to gain.

If a shrink really got a hold of me, you could probably trace all my issues back to my dad and stepfather.  I am not even angry at them anymore.  I don’t resent the years I lost because I was sad, confused girl.  I have forgiven them as much for me as for them. 

When my dad ruined my birthday by choosing to end his life on that day, I hated him.  I could not understand how he could do that to a sixteen year old girl – who he had left as a little girl.   He was my first lesson in forgiveness.  I always thought one day we would have time to work it all out.  Then he died.  The last words I said to my dad were mean and angry.  He’s been dead for more years than I knew him alive and I still mourn that relationship.  I want to live my life without regret.

I don’t want to live my life focusing on anger.  I am making a point to never hold it.  To build a bridge and get over it.  To forgive those who have hurt me, and to ask forgiveness for those I have hurt.

It’s like a new lease on life.  Waking up everyday with a happy heart, I am really projecting love.  I truly have a blessed life.  I have experienced the greatest love and the greatest hurt.  All these things have made me who I am, who I am proud to be.


~ by cutefatgirl on September 25, 2010.

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