my last love letter


breath in, breathe out.  It’s not  just one day at a time, It’s one breath.  I just keep getting to the next one.  The one thing that makes me feel alive, is the pain I feel.  It’s such a fierce pain, it racks my body.  I can’t understand how a broken heart is causing me so much physical pain.  It feels like you are inside my skin trying to get out and I can’t let you go.   The pain has almost become my friend…it reminds me to breathe.  I torment myself rereading messages, letters and listening to songs that bring me to my knees.  How did we go from History in the Making — to the end of the road?

We belong together
And you know that I’m right
Why do you play with my head,
Why do you play with my mind?

Said we’d be forever
Said it’d never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye? 

I can’t sleep at night without holding you tight
each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head oh I’d rather be dead
Spinnin’ around and around

Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

I don’t choose to remember the last of us.. the past four days – the anger, the tears, desperation.  

Loving you has been the hardest and the easiest thing I have ever done.  Loving your boys as my own, has taught a new level of love – things I have never known before.  My last thoughts of you and them… I choose to make good ones.  I choose to remember you Tuesday morning, touching my face with your hand, your lips so softly touching mine… and the eagerness of that kiss.  I choose to remmeber C1 … smiling, hugging me tight smelling slightly of wet dog – with a video game controller in his hand.    c2 sleeping silently, his breath in and out and his cool skin as I kissed his head. 

Thank you for sharing them with me, for letting me love them.  Although I feel so many things right now, My life is better for you having been in it.  I hope you hold the memories in your heart, too.  What happened was abrupt and I still don’t know…but I really do hope you find what you are searching for in this life.

We almost made one trip around the sun, so sad to see it over.  It’s almost fitting because things are very dark right now – no light from the sun.  The love I feel for you is so pure and untainted.



~ by cutefatgirl on September 6, 2010.

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