Showing Up

It’s so easy to get off track. Sometimes the key in life is to show up and stay on track.   This is my year to make big changes, to make things happen.  I am doing this just by showing up.

 

I am by far the biggest person at my gym, but I show up mostly five times a week.  Even when I feel sweaty and inadequate, I put in the work.  I am seeing results.

Some days I just don’t want to work.  Luckily for me, I have a job – where I can leave… but I also force myself to make that time up.

I am striving to be better.  Eat Better. Work Better.  Have a Better Attitude.  Use my time Better.

 

After all :  Life only gets better when you get better.

 

 

 

Lets Run Away…

Today my sister said to me lets start over, move and change things up. Rebecca and I live in the same neighborhood we grew up in. It’s just a conversation, neither of us are moving.

That got me thinking about life in general though. I don’t want to change things. I like my life, I like who I am. There were many times in my life that Id didn’t feel that way. How proud of myself that I am living the life I have imagined…kind of.

It’s not the fairytale I imagined when I was young. I am not married with four kids. I don’t have a white picket fence, or a dog, or something freshed baked in kitchen.

I have much more though – I am happy, I am content. I have great family, supportive friends. I may not have everything I want, but I do have everything I need.

Off the wagon.

I have completely been off the gym wagon. I don’t know exactly what happened. I have a million excuses: my work out partner was gone, I have been sick. I really don’t even want to bore myself with them. There will always be a reason to back out of something, I need to be stronger. I feel like crap, I miss my little endorphin rush. I am feeling fat – I know. It’s just time to get it together. I’ve been drinking Mountain Dew, eating Pizza and have picked up a new candy bar habit! What has gotten into me? I have come so far. When I passed the gym tonight – I missed it. I missed that feeling where I am controlling my body. I am disappointed in myself. I found myself having this conversation with myself today: When I get my eating right, I am going back to the gym.

I spend much time waiting. Waiting for things to be just right. I even use waiting to get things right as an excuse not to go to the gym. I am not waiting anymore. I have waited for everything in this life: for things to be good with my dad, to change my relationship status, to work out, to go on vacation. I am tired of waiting to plan a life – I just want to live this one, without caution.

All dramatic, talking about living with reckless abandon. I am really just talking about getting my fat ass back in the gym.

Where I have been and where I am.

I am a nosey person. It has been that way my entire life. If I like you chances are I have looked at every picture on your Facebook page, and nowhere to find you on most social media outlets.

For some reason, was feeling melancholy. A little unlovable and with nothing better to do today, I snooped myself. I looked at every photo I have every posted on Facebook. I wish I had not deleted my MySpace.

Memories flooded me. Some great, some heartbreaking. This is a list of things I’ve learned.

I was really fat. (three chins in one photo)
I have loved with everything.
I have been loved.
I have experienced amazing things.
I look better blonde.
I am a junkie for speed (watercraft, motorcycles – no matter)
The core people in my life stay in my life.
There is no rhyme or reason to the people I have dated.
I am not photogenic.
I have lived, really lived.
The beach is my favorite place.
Inspiration for me is still found in words.

To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been. I enjoyed my flashback today. So what today I am not feeling very lovable, I am tired and cranky. I have a pretty amazing life, and lots of amazing people in it. I really am living my best life. I might not be doing it every day, but I am working on it. I am humbled by the people who share this life with me. It’s to short, live it without regret. Tell the people you love that you love them. Kiss babies. Stay up too late. Get rid of all the things that are toxic in your life. It’s okay to still love someone, but don’t let them hold power of you. Be accountable for your own happiness. And that’s where this girl is.

Great Talker, Bad Communicator

My entire life I have been told I never met a stranger. I am a great talker. I have lots of things to say. I love to talk to people. I think it is what makes me stand out as a server.

So surprisingly I am really bad at communicating important stuff.

I hate No. I hate saying it. I really just being asked for stuff I don’t want to say yes to. When I have to talk about something I feel I just get uncomfortable – and I am never uncomfortable. I am upset when disappoint people, and I really run from confrontation. I am very good about bringing things up generally before it gets to the confrontation part.

People always think is it a confidence thing, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. No one loves Lisa like I love Lisa. Maybe it is Empathy, I genuinely don’t want anyone to be hurt, especially by something I said.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Exercise.

I have always hated sweating.  I am not fat only because I love food.  I hate exercise.  All those endorphins that are supposed to be released and make you happy – not so much.  This second, this is still how I feel.  I hate the gym, the elliptical, sweating.   In October it all changed.

In Jamaica, we climbed the Dunns River Falls.  If you never been, it’s a group rock climb up a waterfall.  I wasn’t sure physically I could do it.  I tried anyway – there are exits along the way if you don’t want to finish.  I don’t let my limit me, but I am pretty good at avoiding what I suck at.  I didn’t want to be the only one in our group that didn’t make the climb.  The first part of the climb is the hardest part – as the tour guide kept telling me.  I made the first half…and I was done.  I was heading to the stairs.   The second half is easier – but it is steep and I am afraid of heights.  Faith chided me for quitting.  The tour guide said I am not letting you stop here.  I said I can’t.  I am afraid of heights.  He did not accept that.  He literally held my hand all the way up that waterfall.  I would look only at his feet.  I just knew someone was going to have to call my mama and tell her I didn’t make it.    I got to the top of that waterfall – not on my own, but I got there.

I bought the video… I have watched it several times.  Anytime I feel like doubting myself I am reminded:  I climbed up a fucking waterfall.   I did this.

When I got back home, I reminded myself.  I tried and my body responded: Challenge accepted.   I joined a gym.  I am mostly good at going five days a week.   I feel better than I have ever felt in my life.  This weekend I bought close a size smaller.  I have more stamina and work is much easier.  I have more energy. I think twice before I eat a snickers bar.

Today, when I was feeling particularly bold, I registered to do a mud run.  I would have never imagined doing this a year ago, and today I am feeling confident I can.

I still hate sweating.  I hate exercise.  I hate the gym.

I love the way it makes me feel.

Finding my words.

I have written a million blog posts in the year I haven’t been here.   I have a constant stream of words in my head.  All I can say is once again, I have found my words.

Three years ago, when I started this blog, I could never imagine being happy again.  It was my not on my radar.  My misery brought my comfort.

When I look at just the things  I have done in the past year:  I have climbed a waterfall, I have stamped up my passport, I’ve joined a gym and changed my body, I have had passionate kisses and wonderful conversations.  I have met incredible people and been held up by the family that has loved me through it all.

I am not the same girl I was.  I am better version of her.  I am living “She flies on her own wings”.

So I am back… and I have this fancy new computer to keep me on track.